Today, out of nowhere, my toddler started banging the sheets with her hand until I, with my one year old latched and almost asleep, turned my head to look at her questioningly. She was looking at me with stern eyes and said, “don’t be so loud. You’re waking me up.”
I had, for the past 15 minutes ( much more on other days) been repeatedly asking her to calm her body, close her eyes and not talk.
Now I looked at her with my stern gaze and said, “I don’t understand. You are the one making …” I really didn’t want to get into the who was doing what game, “go to sleep!”
It’s been like this for a while. I know, I should not make nap time the battle ground. The problem is that I am so tired, I am desperate to get the girls down to sleep, and hopefully catch a few winks myself so that I can get through the rest of the day.
But in reality, I need to recognize how great she is doing, because even if she can’t sleep, she stays in her bed, and if she’s talking, she usually does it quietly…pretty damn good for an almost three year old. Unfortunately, when I am in the middle of the struggle to get us all calm, it really irks me and I get worked up…mostly out of disappointment that things aren’t happening the way I’d like.
Well, today was different, it was the first time she was deliberately making noise to get my attention.
She thumped the bed again and in a loud voice said “Stop waking me up!”
I lost it. I was desperate to not wake up the little one. I thumped her bed with my open palm in frustration and an attempt to startle her quickly into silence (this was my first clue), then before she could yell, I grabbed her up and ran out of the room and set her forcefully down onto the floor of the play room, giving in to my initial spike of anger. I could see the tears in her eyes and was immediately full of regret. I do not ever want to physically move my kid out of anger, nor dominate her with my power. I had just, completely lost it.
I hissed at her to calm herself and stop the none sense, that we all needed to rest. I have no idea what other random threat I might have thrown in there. Verbal gibberish.
But of course, after the initially adrenaline and anger had passed, I felt like total shit. She fell asleep quickly after that having been scared into lying still.
I too fell into an uneasy sleep that ended with two nightmares in rapid succession. In the first, I left both my girls sleeping by themselves while I ran outside to gather our picnic food and gear that I had forgotten. Somehow all of our stuff had either been stolen or dispersed across the lawn, so that I had to search far afield for everything. It ended with me running back to the apartment finally to discover my father-in-law had had to comfort the kids because they had awoken alone and were crying. I thought child protective services would be coming.
The next dream had me following my husband on a snow covered road in my car while he walked ahead with the girls in a sled. Somehow a huge truck suddenly backed up right where the girls were and then pulled away quickly. I ran at his truck yelling at the driver and slamming on his window, but he sped away. It was night and car lights illuminated both my girls lying still on the snow covered road, blood on my toddlers leg. I wasn’t sure if they were alive or dead.I was about to scream.
That woke me up.
And I know that it was all precipitated by the turmoil in my head as I tried to figure out how it is that I can just totally lose it like that; and angry at myself knowing how completely unacceptable it is. I am the adult, I need to be in control of my emotions.
The biggest realization was that this triggering event, while seeming like a random outburst from my kid, was really just her trying out a behaviour that I have demonstrated to her. When she scowls at me, or opens her eyes wide and fiercely, it’s because she’s seen it on my face. And I have smacked the covers. I did it just then, as though mirroring her, but in actuality I had done this, probably, before. And I have moved her physically, and that is why she does it to her sister. She is merely mirroring back to me what I have done.
I don’t like it. Am I, by example, ruining my kid on some level? How can I expect good behaviour from her when I myself am behaving badly?
When she woke up she joined me on the couch. She was sleepy and sullen. Not very responsive.
I brushed the hair from her forehead. She let me hold her limp, beautiful, capable, tiny hind and kiss it. I pulled her into my lap and kissed her head.
And then I apologized. I said that I was wrong to be mad and that I had done wrong, that mommy’s make mistakes and I would do better.
She looked at me and said, “ok. Because that made me feel…sad.”
I know, it made me sad too. I just kissed her again and held her close.
What is this madness that can overtake me? Motherhood is…so god damn challenging…so amazing and awful…I can feel so full of regret and self loathing while also feeling amazed at what I am capable of by growing, birthing and raising these little human beings.
I will process this and move on; try to forgive myself, and most importantly, do better.
Ruminations on Motherhood 